Talks 25/7 About What His SmartPhone Can Do

Guess what? I need to make calls and send some texts. Does my phone do that? Check. Does your phone do that? Check.

No more information needed. I wish there was an app to make ending this relationship easier.

Don't Like Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks is a comedy genius. You and I are over.

If you won't laugh at Mel, you won't be able to find any goodness in life. (Fact.)

Memorizing Every Football Statistic Ever But Can't Remember We Have To Go To My Cousin's Thing at Chili's

Speaks for itself. Don't let the door hit your ass.

Telling Me I'm Stressed

Really? Have you tried dating you lately?

Sheesh.

Trying to Jump on Stage During a Concert

Look, this is seriously uncool. I am trying to enjoy the sweet sounds of the Indigo Girls and you are just going to ruin it like that? Lame sauce. Don't even try apologizing. You embarrassed me.

Also, I'm really pissed I had to leave the show escorted out by security. That Miller High Life was too expensive to waste.

Loves Melissa Joan Hart

String Backpacks

Saw a grown-ass man wearing one of these yesterday. They're not acceptable on any human.

HOWEVER, could be a dealmaker if it was only big enough for - and in the shape of - credit cards or a cell phone, but only if it is worn on the back.

Thinking Five Finger Shoes Work For Anytime.

These are the new "thing" in running, I get that. But they are NOT for dates, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, or any kind of party where you must socialize with people. They should not replace actual shoes or become commonplace in your going-out attire. Stop texting me because we're through.

Dealmaker of the Day

Brings his own whale floatie to the pool.
Anna had to gasp for air when she saw two dudes
freeing their Willy at Barton Springs last night.

Thinks Sports Jerseys Count As Actual Clothing.

Jerseys are for game days only. Don't wear them on dates, bros. It's not doing anything for your figure. Oh, and I HATE IT.