Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Talks About Missing His Mom The First Time We Hang Out


Hey listen, I think it's real rad that you like your mom. In fact, I prefer you have a good relationship with her. But spooning me and cooing, "I miss my mom" at the same time really isn't going to work for me. If you miss her so much, why don't you go let her make you some dinner and pack up in foil for you to take home. Sorry I'm being a bitch. Actually, no I'm not.

You can see yourself out.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Are We Going To Pretend This Isn't True?



#DEALBREAKER

Doesn't Get Oprah



Look, you don't have to like her. It's MY thing. I really don't need to hear how you "don't get it."

I don't care if you don't want to expand your spiritual journey in this life (even though you totally should). Oprah is one of my best friends and she told me so herself. Don't text me anymore.

Guy Who Looks Through My Records and Says "Oh, They're All Soul."



NEWSFLASH: Soul is back. It never really left. If you can't get behind this idea, then we aren't meant to be. Soul is good. Kings of Leon is not a good band. Sorry.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Talks 25/7 About What His SmartPhone Can Do



Guess what? I need to make calls and send some texts. Does my phone do that? Check. Does your phone do that? Check.

No more information needed. I wish there was an app to make ending this relationship easier.

Don't Like Mel Brooks



Mel Brooks is a comedy genius. You and I are over.

If you won't laugh at Mel, you won't be able to find any goodness in life. (Fact.)

Memorizing Every Football Statistic Ever But Can't Remember We Have To Go To My Cousin's Thing at Chili's




Speaks for itself. Don't let the door hit your ass.

Telling Me I'm Stressed



Really? Have you tried dating you lately?

Sheesh.

Trying to Jump on Stage During a Concert




Look, this is seriously uncool. I am trying to enjoy the sweet sounds of the Indigo Girls and you are just going to ruin it like that? Lame sauce. Don't even try apologizing. You embarrassed me.

Also, I'm really pissed I had to leave the show escorted out by security. That Miller High Life was too expensive to waste.