Talks 25/7 About What His SmartPhone Can Do

Guess what? I need to make calls and send some texts. Does my phone do that? Check. Does your phone do that? Check.

No more information needed. I wish there was an app to make ending this relationship easier.

Don't Like Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks is a comedy genius. You and I are over.

If you won't laugh at Mel, you won't be able to find any goodness in life. (Fact.)

Memorizing Every Football Statistic Ever But Can't Remember We Have To Go To My Cousin's Thing at Chili's

Speaks for itself. Don't let the door hit your ass.

Telling Me I'm Stressed

Really? Have you tried dating you lately?

Sheesh.

Trying to Jump on Stage During a Concert

Look, this is seriously uncool. I am trying to enjoy the sweet sounds of the Indigo Girls and you are just going to ruin it like that? Lame sauce. Don't even try apologizing. You embarrassed me.

Also, I'm really pissed I had to leave the show escorted out by security. That Miller High Life was too expensive to waste.